Oh, Delia!

Of all the things that are going on in the world of faith and values - of all the important, incomprehensible, consequential, deadly FAV stuff - Delia was on American Morning reporting on... the "new" Catholic Card. Really.

Oh, Delia! I hate to say this, but... what the F#CK???!!

Where to begin? Firstly, this Catholic Credit Card is HARDLY original. It's been done before, many, many, many times. Remember MBNA? Delia, hate to break your Catholic bubble, but this IS an affinity card. This is just the first time that the Vatican™ gave its "official blessing" - pun intended.

What Charlie Cawley would have given to land this deal...

And then there's Anne Hathaway's boyfriend - the CEO of Follieri Capital - pimp to the Vatican and rapist of the Church's vast US real estate holdings. He is Rafaello Follieri, BF to the stars and BFF to the Roman Curia, particularly Angelo Sodano. He also stars in his own TV show Scrubs as Dr. John Dorian.

So... how does this Catholic Card work? Let's follow the money:

1. First, Follieri Capital secures permission, on behalf of WAMU, from the Vatican™ to use one of its curia offices - in this case, the Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples - on a credit card. Chances are, WAMU also paid an initial fee to the Vatican™ (and Follieri) for this exclusive right.

2. Follieri handles all marketing - probably including sending a fruit basket to Delia - for a fee, again paid by WAMU

3. For each transaction made on the credit card, Visa gets around 2%, the bank gets ~1%, the Vatican™ gets 1%, and Follieri probably gets something too depending on how smart they negotiated the contract

4. WAMU, as the credit card issuer, gets to earn all sorts of things: interest if you don't pay your balance in full, late fees if you don't pay at all, over the credit limit penalties, interest spread on securitizations...

Win-win situation? Not really. The credit card industry is evil - it preys on the culture of materialism and it shits on your grave afterwards. Who is the loser? YOU!

No, you would not be excommunicated if you're a total deadbeat, but you'd be penalized by a higher entity: the credit bureaus.

Can you use your Catholic credit card to pay for porn, escort service, or condoms? Absolutely! Is the card accepted at gay clubs? It's accepted everywhere Visa is accepted! So you can go ahead and dance the night away, get hammered, get laid, and probably burn in hell for all eternity. And the Vatican™ still gets its 1%.

It could probably even upgrade your afterlife accomodations to the lowest circle of purgatory.

Delia Gallagher