CNN, Listen Up!

You just hired a Faith & Values Correspondent, who incidentally is suspiciously missing on this day, A National Day of Prayer. I don't know, maybe it's our own naive interpretation of your infinite wisdom and grand plan, but if there's a more appropriate day for your F&V's coming-out party, we would imagine today would be perfect. You're still probably keeping her in freakin' Baton Rouge; not that there are no stories out there, but c'mon, Her Hotness Delia Gallagher is so comfortable with men in dresses, and DC was full of them today, she'd be like, a fish back in water.

So, to make your life a bit simpler and to satisfy the clamor of Her Hotness' Admiration Society (and believe us, we will NOT be silenced! Well, after a few mojitos, we probably will be too hammered to stand up much less protest, but for now, WE WANT TO BE HEARD!), here are a few story pitches for you - all dealing with faith and values - so you can send your F&V Correspondent where her expertise and insight would be most valuable:

1. The Gay Busters: Egg's Benedict's new initiative to rid seminaries of homosexuals. It would be most interesting how the delegation can uncover "evidence of homosexuality" - do they have a checklist of things to look for? Judy, Barbra, and Bette CDs are a sure giveaway, plus most Broadway soundtracks; how about a count of how many times a seminarian uses the word "fabulous"? This story is both challenging in its vagueness, intrigue, and intimate knowledge of Vatican intentions, and allows Her Hotness to tap into her knowledge of SF gay culture.

2. Jebby Bush, son of FL Governor Jeb Bush, arrested: Since he is also the nephew of an extremely religious president, this is truly a Faith and Republican-Family-Values story.

3. Follow up on the Catholic Schools rebuild: Now that GWB has alloted $500 Million for private schools, my original treatise of selfless dedication is probably suspect, but I'm leaving it up to Her Hotness to interject faith and values again into this development.

4. John Roberts confirmation: The conservatives seem to be in a fit because Judge Roberts - GASP! - actually respects the legal process and the sanctity of the Constitution - things which are simply unacceptable to the GWB Faith and Values constituents who would have wanted a nominee that makes Scalia looks like he pals around with The Village People.

5. SF Judge ditches Pledge of Allegiance: Because the use of "God" is unconstitutional a ruling which launches a thousand conservative ships to ram through the harbor of the SF justice system; this is a PERFECT story for the Faith and Values girl, who hails from San Francisco!

6. Britney Spears gives birth: It might just be fun, since we have already guessed that Delia secretly listens to Britney's CDs

Why, you're welcome, CNN! Anytime. Once in a while, we'll pitch stories which we hope will further the horizon of The Admired One, Her Hotness, Delia Gallager.

You've got a great catch there, CNN, please don't blow it.