Santa Subita

It's a NO-BRAINER that this is just a parody...

In a surprise move, the Vatican announced today, after reading the autopsy, that it has placed Terri Schiavo on the super-fast track for sainthood. Our CNN Vaticanologist, Delia Gallagher, is live from the scene with the details. Delia?

Her Hotness, DG: Well, I just want to clarify that this is more like Nascar-fast track to sainthood, which is unprecendented in the history of the Catholic Church. Not only is the 5-year waiting period waived before the cause for sainthood is considered, but all the necessary dossiers and miracles were also waived. This is in response to the miraculous implications of Mrs. Schiavo's autopsy that prompted Pope Benedict to immediately declare her Blessed - that is the first step towards full sainthood.

In the case of Pope John Paul II, the 5-year waiting period was also waived, but his cause is still subject to the 2 main requirements: that he led a virtuous life, and that he has interceded with God for the living, with his intercession resulting in 2 scientifically unexplainable miracles or cures.

Tell us, Delia, why His Holiness decided to beatify Terri Schiavo immediately.

Her Hotness, DG: Well, let me make it clear that the Vatican does not initiate the cause for sainthood, it has to come from the people who then present it to their Bishop. In this case, it was not even a Catholic bishop who initiated the proceedings, but the entire US Republican Congress and the President of the United States himself, George W. Bush. After reading the autopsy, Pope Benedict concurred with President Bush, Governor Bush, Rep. Tom Delay, Dr. Bill Frist, and others that a miracle has indeed taken place right before our very eyes. If you remember it right, Dr. Frist himself opined after viewing the video of Mrs. Schiavo, that she was not in a persistent vegitative state.

These are the main reasons for the beatification released to us by the Vatican: that Theresa Marie Schiavo, despite only possessing a brain half the size of a normal one continued to communicate with her loved ones, even struggled to say "Aahhh waahhhhh" - or as those around her interpreted, "I want to live." Furthermore, despite the fact that the occular part of her brain - the center which regulates sight - was all but liquified, she continued to see, following balloons around her room and pleading with her loved ones to save her from imminent death. These events were clearly beyond the realm of science.

The Vatican asserted that in this time when the Culture of Death permeates the very fabric of society, beatifying someone who defied it and lived for 15 years pretending to be a vegetable, is inspiring to the faithful. Mrs. Schiavo will be designated the Patron Saint of People with Half a Brain. Upon hearing this, President Bush immediately telephoned Pope Benedict to thank him for this gesture and declared that finally, he can pray to someone specific.

This is Delia Gallagher, live from the Vatican, and in dire need of a drink and a new job after filing this report.