CNN FAV Exclusive

New York, NY (CNN) – God Almighty sat down Thursday and, in an exclusive interview, spoke to CNN Faith and Values Correspondent Delia Gallagher.

The following is an excerpt from Gallagher’s interview with God:

DELIA GALLAGHER, CNN FAITH AND VALUES CORRESPONDENT: God, thank you very much for granting me this exclusive interview, the first one-on-one I believe, in 2,000 years. Why now? Why me?

GOD ALMIGHTY, CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH: Well, Delia, I thought that after 10,000 years of hand-holding and micro-managing, I could relax some but you people keep doing things that are supposed to please me but in truth have brought me nothing but headache, so I thought I better set some things straight now. It seems I’ve been blamed for everything from hurricanes to earthquakes and folks are even worried that I am ready to pull the plug on Earth.

Why you? You, my dear child, have been so hyped up by that Admiration Society of yours and I thought since you suffer the folly of CNN’s frivolous FAV title, I might as well give you the scoop.

GALLAGHER: Thank you, God. You alluded to the recent natural disasters as man’s sign that the end is coming. Is it?

GOD: First, let me talk about the natural disasters. That’s what they are – natural. I’ve put them in place a long time ago to make sure that the system functions properly. They’re all part of the blueprint – it’s like a backup emergency system that kicks in when the cosmic balance becomes dangerously tipped. And let me tell ya, I did a pretty good job, huh? Global warming my divine bleep! You try to destroy Earth and Earth will fight back! That's how the balance is maintained!

And Delia, you know that even if I was getting ready to pull the plug on humanity, I cannot tell you. I did not even tell my boy Jesus when the end is going to be. I run a pretty tight ship – no leaks whatsoever.

GALLAGHER: You said that you designed the universe with balance in mind – is that a “yes” to intelligent design?

GOD: Again, you guys don’t get it – both the creationists and evolutionists are right. The human brain is not wired to scientifically explore my blueprints, other than in the realm of faith, and that’s why I gave you evolution. At least you have some sense of why things are the way they are. Instead, your arrogance wants to bypass the obvious for the spiritual – and that’s not how I intended it to be. You cannot teach nuclear physics to a 5th grader, why teach intelligent design before you understand the building blocks? There are some things that can only be learned through absolute individual faith – and that separates the charlatans from the holy ones. The charlatans proclaim their holiness in the airwaves, the holy ones sit in solitude and marvel in awe and humility at my revelation.

GALLAGHER: Did you really give President Bush authorization to invade Iraq?

GOD: George doesn’t know when I talk to him even if I bite him in the ass! Oh wait, I don’t do that, that other fellah down south, in very far, fiery south, is the one who bites people in the ass. Anyway – I love my creatures all the same – why would I favor one over the other? It’s like you permitting one of your brothers to knock the other on the head – you wouldn’t do that, would you? Oh, yes, you did, I forgot. But you get the point; besides, you were 7 years old when you told Charles to slug Michael. You know I’m All-Knowing, so of course I know that.

I digress again. Yes, I do talk to George, but he is not a very good listener, and he misunderestimates a lot. I talk to him through the old and the poor and the sick, but he doesn’t hear me. No, I am not into wars. That’s the fire-breathing red scaly fellah’s gig.

So let me just say this, for the record: George, lay easy on the booze and you might hear me better, okay? And stop using my name in vain!

Tomorrow, God talks about religion.